When we were in Los Angeles in November my friend Emily took us to Moon Juice, Amanda Chantal Bacon’s deathstar. The excursion was kind of a joke and kind of not. Emily knew how much I loved reading about Amanda Chantal Bacon (see: this, this, this, this, this, this).
I think there are multiple Moon Juices, but the one Emily took us to was in a strip mall. I wasn’t expecting that. In retrospect I don’t know what I was expecting, but Moon Juice is basically just a juice store in a strip mall, which we have in Chicago. But because this was Amanda Chantal Bacon’s strip mall juice store I felt like I was a part of something bigger than me.
The woman behind the counter had very beautiful skin and hair. Like she was made of better materials than what was available when they made me—or else this Moon Juice stuff really works! She seemed normal and was friendly. Not too friendly. I’d call it appropriately friendly. We took a really long time to order because I was overwhelmed by the options. I’d never seen so much stuff that had been activated. And you just know how much better things are when they are activated, you can seriously feel it. I found myself reading a lot of labels because they promised me a lot and I love promises. I learned that sugar is an allergen.
Emily initially said she didn’t want any juice, but then maybe sensed my disappointment and compromised by ordering a water. I think it might have been a water with rose water in it, a double water. I don’t remember what Bryan and I ordered but his was green and mine was beige, I think. You could get one of Amanda Chantal Bacon’s famous dusts added to your juice. I wanted to get sex dust because it felt wild, but I was worried I’d get too horny and we had other things to do. So we compromised and bought a jar of sex dust to take home as a souvenir. Anyway, I was kind of disappointed when we got our drinks because they just hand you a bottle from a case. I was expecting it to be more like a Jamba Juice but with Amanda Chantal Bacon blending it up for me. I guess that was silly. It was expensive, but when you think of your food as being the same as medicine, it starts to feel like a good deal. Also, some of it was activated which costs more.
We decided to stay inside the Moon Juice to drink our juices, which I got the feeling was not normal. Emily might have been embarrassed, but I’d come all this way. There is only one table in the Moon Juice and it is very low. At first I thought it was for children but there were no other tables so I guess not. When you sit in one of the stools, the table is on your lap—lap level. It was so low that you couldn’t lean on your elbows like with the tables in Chicago. We all had to sit up straight, which was good for our posture.
I liked my beige juice the best, so I felt really good about how I’d handled my first trip to Moon Juice. I was a natural. Bryan said his was “okay” and Emily’s water tasted like water with rose water in it. Other people came in while we were there, but they all took their juices to go. Some of them seemed like regulars because they knew all of the lingo and ordered so quickly it would make your head spin. Imagine being them!