When we were in Los Angeles in November my friend Emily took us to Moon Juice, Amanda Chantal Bacon’s deathstar. The excursion was kind of a joke and kind of not. Emily knew how much I loved reading about Amanda Chantal Bacon (see: this, this, this, this, this, this).
I think there are multiple Moon Juices, but the one Emily took us to was in a strip mall. I wasn’t expecting that. In retrospect I don’t know what I was expecting, but Moon Juice is basically just a juice store in a strip mall, which we have in Chicago. But because this was Amanda Chantal Bacon’s strip mall juice store I felt like I was a part of something bigger than me.
The woman behind the counter had very beautiful skin and hair. Like she was made of better materials than what was available when they made me—or else this Moon Juice stuff really works! She seemed normal and was friendly. Not too friendly. I’d call it appropriately friendly. We took a really long time to order because I was overwhelmed by the options. I’d never seen so much stuff that had been activated. And you just know how much better things are when they are activated, you can seriously feel it. I found myself reading a lot of labels because they promised me a lot and I love promises. I learned that sugar is an allergen.
Emily initially said she didn’t want any juice, but then maybe sensed my disappointment and compromised by ordering a water. I think it might have been a water with rose water in it, a double water. I don’t remember what Bryan and I ordered but his was green and mine was beige, I think. You could get one of Amanda Chantal Bacon’s famous dusts added to your juice. I wanted to get sex dust because it felt wild, but I was worried I’d get too horny and we had other things to do. So we compromised and bought a jar of sex dust to take home as a souvenir. Anyway, I was kind of disappointed when we got our drinks because they just hand you a bottle from a case. I was expecting it to be more like a Jamba Juice but with Amanda Chantal Bacon blending it up for me. I guess that was silly. It was expensive, but when you think of your food as being the same as medicine, it starts to feel like a good deal. Also, some of it was activated which costs more.
We decided to stay inside the Moon Juice to drink our juices, which I got the feeling was not normal. Emily might have been embarrassed, but I’d come all this way. There is only one table in the Moon Juice and it is very low. At first I thought it was for children but there were no other tables so I guess not. When you sit in one of the stools, the table is on your lap—lap level. It was so low that you couldn’t lean on your elbows like with the tables in Chicago. We all had to sit up straight, which was good for our posture.
I liked my beige juice the best, so I felt really good about how I’d handled my first trip to Moon Juice. I was a natural. Bryan said his was “okay” and Emily’s water tasted like water with rose water in it. Other people came in while we were there, but they all took their juices to go. Some of them seemed like regulars because they knew all of the lingo and ordered so quickly it would make your head spin. Imagine being them!
January 9th, 2018 at 12:06 pm
This just made my day. I laughed so hard. Ily.
January 9th, 2018 at 12:06 pm
LOL – great post!
January 9th, 2018 at 12:19 pm
Fucking hilarious. I hope there’s a follow-up post chronicling your adventures with the Sex Dust.
January 9th, 2018 at 12:41 pm
This makes me really miss living in LA ;) I just spent way too long reading up about Moon Juice!
January 9th, 2018 at 2:09 pm
YOU BOUGHT THE JAR OF SEX DUST. There had better be a follow-up.
January 9th, 2018 at 2:46 pm
Beige juice sounds like maybe it didn’t have enough activated ingredients. What did it contain?
January 9th, 2018 at 3:01 pm
I absolutely enjoyed this journey down into Woo-ville, and count me among those dying for a follow-up on the sex dust and its…effects.
stefani greenwood says:
January 9th, 2018 at 3:06 pm
def don’t want to get too horny. this cracked me up so much!
January 9th, 2018 at 3:09 pm
omg ty. ty. ty. it would have been more bang for your buck at the pho place next door. that place is pretty good.
January 9th, 2018 at 3:15 pm
What Luisa said. Follow-up, please! Also, happy new year! xx
January 9th, 2018 at 3:32 pm
Y’all are such pervs! (okay, maybe!)
January 9th, 2018 at 3:37 pm
I had never heard of Amanda Chantal Bacon, nor Moon Juice, before today and just fell into an internet hole. Thanks for the hilarity!
Aimee Elise says:
January 9th, 2018 at 4:23 pm
Ahh, much needed laughter at the end of a long Tuesday (imo, the worst day of the week).
January 9th, 2018 at 4:26 pm
I LOLed real good. Love you.
January 9th, 2018 at 6:52 pm
I know this isn’t fiction but I still want it to be a Shouts & Murmurs for the NYer.
January 9th, 2018 at 7:08 pm
Loving this image of you all sitting up straight around a tiny table with your Moon Juice.
January 9th, 2018 at 7:40 pm
You are the best! I wish there was photographic evidence of this excursion.
Mary Anne says:
January 9th, 2018 at 11:03 pm
January 10th, 2018 at 4:07 pm
This post is setting the bar pretty high for 2018. I read this aloud to my husband in the car last night and we laughed out loud all the way to dinner…and then he asked about any update on the Sex Dust.
January 10th, 2018 at 5:58 pm
“I wanted to get sex dust because it felt wild, but I was worried I’d get too horny and we had other things to do.”
So good. Favorite line ever.
January 10th, 2018 at 11:46 pm
this is amazing. and another vote for a sex dust update!
January 11th, 2018 at 8:27 am
LOVE. Also it’s been too long since I read anything about Chantal. Thanks for the nudge to get back to it!
January 12th, 2018 at 8:40 pm
You are hilarious! I always love reading your posts. And I wanna know too – did the jar of sex dust deliver on its promises? o.O
January 12th, 2018 at 10:23 pm
I have literally never commented on a blog but this is so amazing. !!
January 13th, 2018 at 6:52 am
I expect to hear this being read on the MOTH Radio Hour at some point.
January 16th, 2018 at 9:30 am
this is a grade A blog post. brought me back to the days of subscribing to my friends’ blogspots on google reader. 2018 doesn’t deserve this. ACB doesnt deserve this.
January 25th, 2018 at 10:21 pm
Please don’t ever stop blogging.
January 26th, 2018 at 8:52 pm
Thank you for making me laugh out loud multiple times while reading this. I’ve experienced all the Moon Juice stores (I had a phase a few years back where I tried to be one of those women who wear only white and have luminous skin), and your descriptions could not be more accurate. Joining the chorus of those clamoring for a Sex Dust follow-up, please and thank you. <3